Are You a Fake-aholic?

A fake-aholic is someone who has a compulsion to work hard, day in and day out, even when they're beyond exhausted, and while pretending that everything is fine. 

In this article, Executive Coach and author Bruna Martinuzzi explores the anxious world of the fake-aholic, what it means. and how to combat it.

What's a Fake-aholic?

On the outside, fake-aholics appear to have a strong drive and to be highly involved in their work.  

On the inside, however, there is a different reality. Fake-aholics experience low work enjoyment, even dread, because they're constantly overwhelmed   .  

No one notices, because fake-aholics are so adept at masking their pain and, eventually, living on the edge can feel normal. 

But continually battling their physical and mental limits can lead to misery, burnout   and illness for the individual – and disaster for the team. 

Three Habits of Fake-aholics

Do you recognize any of these three thought patterns in yourself or a team member? 

1. Comparison – "Other people are coping well, so why can't I? I;m just weak and lazy." 
2. Guilt – "I feel bad when so many colleagues have lost their jobs. I have no right to complain." 
3. Defeat – "There's no way the situation can change, so why try?" 

If such reactions sound familiar, don't panic. You and your coworkers are not powerless in the face of fake-aholism.

Four Ways to Avoid Being a Fake-aholic

If the habits above sound familiar, try using these four strategies:

1. Start an Accomplishment Diary 

You can begin to quiet your fear of inadequacy by keeping an accomplishment diary. At the end of your workday ask yourself, "What did I achieve?" Consider these examples: 

• Did you create a positive environment for your team, even if it is virtual? 
• Did you express appreciation to someone who goes unnoticed? 
• Did you gracefully acknowledge a mistake you made? 
• Did you keep an open mind during a difficult conversation? 
• Did you make a wise decision? 
• Did you figure out how to use a new piece of software? 
• Did you take care of your family's needs? 
• Did you do something to add value to your department or organization? 

Many wins, big and small, can go unnoticed. Keeping score of them provides hard data to help you to see and appreciate all that you have accomplished.  

 2. Escape the Comparison Trap 

Confidence begins when you decide to be yourself. Comparing yourself with others can only lead to unhappiness. Instead, measure yourself against who you were in the past.  

You can go back several years, several weeks, or just yesterday. Ask yourself, "Am I better now than then? If not, what can I learn to do better tomorrow?" 

Self-comparison is the most meaningful way to assess your growth and to inspire you to continue.  

3. Establish a Support Network 

You may feel shame at your "failure" to cope. So surround yourself with people who are supportive of you despite your "imperfections." 

Asking your colleagues for help may seem particularly daunting, but chances are they'd be happy to take the strain off you, and your working relationships could be stronger, not weaker, as a result.  

Don't be surprised if you discover that some of them feel overwhelmed, too, especially in times of crisis. 

4. Give Yourself a Break! 

If you're struggling with workload, but still find it hard to say "no,"   your performance will eventually falter. So, combat your self-judgment and dare to face reality. 

Think about what factors are causing you to feel overwhelmed and focus on the parts you really can control. Can you re-negotiate a deadline, or delegate some of your tasks? By doing less, you can sometimes achieve more. 

Most of all, focus on all the things that you get right and practice self-acceptance.

How to Manage a Fake-aholic Team Member

1. Help Them to Feel Safe 

If your team member opens up to you, make sure to listen mindfully and respectfully to what they have to say. 

Then help them to understand that their fears are not unique, and that everyone struggles at one point or another in their lives. Consider sharing a personal story of your own that reinforces your point. 

2. Look Out for (Well-Meaning) Dishonesty 

Even if your employee has admitted to fake-aholic behaviors, they will likely continue to find it hard to be honest with themselves or you. 

Pay attention to their language and zero in on any unrealistically optimistic promises. Discuss their To-Do List   s and observe their working hours: are they sustainable? 

3. Encourage the Heart 

Show them that you have confidence in them. Go over a portfolio of their contributions, and emphasize the value that they add to your organization. 

Remember, we all have in us a metaphorical bucket that needs to be filled with affirmations. 

4. Take a Load off Their Plate 

Give practical assistance. Ask them what extra resources they need. Discuss reassigning one or two of their projects to another team member to ease their workload.  

But be ready for a denial that help is needed, and reassure them that there is no implied failure in such an intervention.

What's Next?

If you're in the dual grip of exhaustion and guilt, you owe it to yourself to examine the causes of your physical and emotional strain – and what you can do right away to tackle them. This doesn't mean exerting yet more effort, but rather a kind word to yourself and a few minutes' initial reflection.

About the Author

Bruna Martinuzzi is an educator, author and speaker specializing in emotional intelligence, leadership, communication, and presentation-skills training.